Perfect Parenting is Exhausting Us All
It's also damaging our marriages & hurting our children.
Being a parent in this day and age is exhausting. And it’s not because of the kids… well not entirely.
Today’s parenting is exhausting because of the overload. Overloaded schedules. An overload of information. But mostly, an overload of opinions.
Information Overload
Typing in “parenting books” on Amazon returns 60,000 results. There are a myriad of books for each stage of parenting. Some books teach you how to be a gentle parent while others boldly claim that gentle parenting is bogus and is going to make your children too soft for the real world. According to these books, no matter how you are currently parenting… you’re doing it wrong.
Most of these books give you strategies on how to have more compliant children. The promise of well-behaved *ahem perfect * children if you just parent the right way is a strong pull… It’s easy to think if we can control our actions, we can control the outcomes, but in reality, it is a marketing ploy.
Look, I’m not condemning all parenting books (or even their corresponding podcasts), but, there are just so many. As someone who has read several of these books, it is impossible to implement everything.
Overload of Opinions
It seems that every Jen, Kim & Ralphie have a social media parenting account. And each one of them is telling you how you are doing it wrong. Some are more gentle in their approach then other, but the underlying message of them all is “you are doing it all wrong, follow me, pay me money, and I’ll teach you how to do it the right way about you’ll have perfectly well-behaved children.” Even those few and far between that don’t promise better behaved children, there is still an underlying promise of parental perfection. Which is an impossible standard to achieve.
Everywhere you turn, there’s a post about how you were traumatized as a child and it’s all your parents fault. Or how you may be accidently traumatizing your own child. Whether its sleep training (a handful say its fine, a handful say its abuse), yelling, or even *gasp* telling your child “good job”. Whatever you are doing… you are doing it wrong and it’s hurting your kids and they will grow up to resent you and never speak to you again if you don’t change your ways right now. I’m not even being facetious. This is exactly what the social media messaging is saying. It’s beating us down.
And, I get it. Algorithms thrive on negativity. It wouldn’t get eyes on posts if you said “In addition to telling your child good job, try to use encouragement in more specific ways like “I can tell you worked really hard on that.” Instead, to get people to engage, you have to say “telling your kids “good job” will cause them to become people pleasers!” These parenting accounts prey on our fears because that’s what makes them money.
I know it may feel like it, but I am not demonizing these accounts. I believe most of them have pure intentions. But, it is just the nature of the social media beast. A negative slant is going to do better. Heck, even the title of this post has a negative slant (sorry about that! There’s hope coming, promise!)
And speaking of the social media beast, have you dove into the belly of the beast that is the comment section lately? Or *shudder* a parenting group on facebook? So many strong opinions, all arguing that their way is right.
See what I mean? Opinions galore.
In our pursuit of perfecting, we take this all in. We drink it up and ask for more… and boy, do we get it.
But when we are constantly getting information and opinions hurled at us at lightening speed, it turns us into inconsistent, anxious parents. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve instinctually said “good job” or “I love it!” after my kids show me a picture and then anxiously thought-spiraled: Oh no, am i turning my kids into people pleasers? Am I turning them into external validation seekers? Honestly, ridiculous.
there’s actually a pretty funny video that shows this concept:
Personally, I’ve waffled between parenting strategies like nobody’s business (remember all those parenting books I mentioned?… yeah, guilty. ) And let’s be honest, that has to be confusing for my kids. And it can cause marriage issues too. Because when one parent is reading all of these books and taking in all of these opinions… and the other isn’t quite caught up, it causes tension. And how can we expect them to be caught up when everything changes so fast?
It reminds me of an episode of Bluey called “Facey Talk", where Stripe and Trixie (Bluey’s Aunt and Uncle) get into an argument over time outs. Trixie tells Stripe “we just don’t do that anymore” and Rad, of course, is like “What? Why? This is how I do it” and she claims its from what a book said… This is such a prevalent issue, it’s on a children’s television show!
The Truth…
Years ago, my kids received wooden building blocks as a present. These blocks came complete with a wooden storage box to put them in (WIN). The first time we went to put them back in the box, my husband said that there was only one right way to put them back in and get them to fit. In the years since, I have learned he was wrong. There are so many ways that the blocks will fit… and only a few that don’t work.
Maybe that’s how we need to view parenting. There are, of course, major no’s like abuse and neglect. But barring those, there are so many ways to be a good parent. Find a way to place the blocks that fit and work for your kids and let go of the rest.
The good news and bad news is this: There is no one right way to parent… AND you should expect your kids to act like kids.
Of course, we are to guide them and teach them the skills they need. But to expect perfectly behaved, compliant children is unrealistic.
And please, let go of the idea of perfection. According to Dr. Donald Winnicott,
“Meeting the child’s needs just 30% of the time is sufficient to create happy, well attached children.” (source).
I’m not suggesting we necessarily only aim for parenting well 30% of the time, but perhaps we can give ourselves (and our spouses) a heaping dose of grace and chill the flip out. Our family relationships will be better for it.
How to Let Go…
I was on the phone with my Mother-in-Law last night and she was feeling guilty about some parenting choices she made or didn’t make. I told her “you can not be expected to have been perfect. “ And I had to laugh at myself a little. Pot meet kettle.
But, in that moment, I realized the truth of the statement applies to all of us. I get why we want to be perfect parents. We all want what is best for our kids. So we do the research, we read the books, and we follow the parenting accounts. But when we do too much, it can drive us to the brink.
As for me, I have reduced my consumption of parenting advice. I follow one or two parenting accounts, and try to resist the pull of the parenting book section at the library.
A friend once told me, “my favorite parenting book is the Spirit.” And you know what? She was right.
Parenting books and accounts, in and of themselves aren’t bad (at least not most of them). We can read them and gain ideas or insights. But, ultimately, we need to let the Spirit be our guide.
When it comes to parenting, we should let go of the do’s, don’ts and rules of the world and follow the guidance of the Holy Ghost.
I’m not saying this will be easy. It means we will have to be in tune with the Spirit. It means we will need to be consistently reading our scriptures and saying many many prayers a day.
We still won’t always get it right. But, at the end of the day, if we are striving to partner with the Lord in our parenting, we will be able to have way more peace in the whole process.
What do you think? Have you noticed this too? Let’s chat!
